you think you are in control
every movement you make
getting closer to me every second
when you sit down next to me my body starts to shake
the nerves rushing through me of not knowing what you want to do
you think you can take advantage of me and you think i don't mind
well i do
every moment you get closer to me i shrivel away
taking pieces of me and not returning them
are you so selfish to not leave some for others
i can't explain why when you sit down next to me i don't feel the intimacy that you do
truth is everything you do is adorable, but not coming from you
i don't feel it and won't,
the stars lean down and send us away from each other
and that is where we shall stay

The influence of the snakes at my feet trying to control my world. Their venum trying to suffocate me and bring me down to their level. As I try to step on them all a few sneak up and get to me . There are too many to ignore. Influencing the decisions I make everyday, changing my views. Some are good and some are bad. I try and get them to crawl back to where they belong . Why do they need to stay here with me? I want to decide by myself. I have no need for snakes tying me down and telling me who I should be. The truth is I know who I am. Through high school these snakes will stay with me bearing a weight on me. Those snakes have nothing on me when you get down to it. I will walk my high school career proud and strong, making mistakes here and there. But overall learning from them.

The beautiful warm beach calling my name. The waves crashing to the shore trying to pull me in with them. Trying to get me to let go...
The waves pull me into the clusters of water. I float and forget my worries pretending to be a fish. I forget about you. I only remember the people I love. That is why at the end of the day, loosing my peaceful pleasure, the waves throw me back on the shore. And return me into my dramatic life of being a teenager.

For someone who will never know this was written for them

When is the time to tell someone... things are different
As a pebble skipping in through the rough waters
slipping farther and farther away from my hand
soon it sinks
all the way to the bottom of the ocean
Where I can no longer reach you
Hoping and praying for the day that I once had
when i found that pebble and picked you up in my hand and carried you through my struggles and worries. You were there for it all.
you may not even think anything is different
but as for me you are changing, changing into different colors
Going, Alone into those rough waters
Not allowing me to come grab your hand and go along for the journey
I want to be there with you
I know you don't see what I see
But I don't want you to slip away from me.
I want you to stay...

Your name engraved in my heart forever
Put down and stuck like glue
When my soul of infamy wanders to yours
You are never on the other line
Wandering to and fro
To the next heart and sending people toppling over
Yours still exists in that pure heart of mine
it doesn't leave... it wants to stay
Whether you have moved on to the next
Just remember, your name will be in my heart forever.
Stuck like glue.
And your image will engage my brain.

As I run through my pasture that one big closed gate
Running and playing in our world full of hate
Learning and growing in the hands of our schools
First thing I learn is girls rule and boys drool :p
one day when that pasture is opened up wide
i will grab your hand and together we'll glide
On through the meadows and valleys and plains
Your mine forever and ever please stay
Hold tight to my hand and don't let me go
You are everything to me I sure hope you know
So on we travel by day and by night
Growing together even throug our fights
Help me get through the sorrow and the tears
And I will help you conquer your fears
As we live life together, together we'll see
together for always and forever we'll be.

Sometimes people say things you wish you didn't have to hear. Things that could turn a great friendship into an awkward jumbled mess. The love for each other of two friends can not be beat. A relationship can always end. But a guy and a girl's friendship will never. Some things that people say you want to go in one ear and out the other. just to keep things exactly how you think that they should be. Friends are a part of me and will always be.

The lost girls trying to find where they could best fit in
Finding it tonight
In this lonely pool of familiar faces
Learning and being reminded of what they had forgotten
Turning that emptiness into endless lulls of happiness
Filling each others missing parts
Joined back together like six peas in a pod
Ending up right in the spot where they belong
Even through all the wandering into new and different crowds
They ended up in the place where they can mess around and be themselves...
the end

Her smile as she races to greet me at my door
Her lovely face when she wakes me up in the morning.
Her curious spunk as she wanders through everything in the house.
Her playful spirit as she chases her ball and squeaks her toys.
Her loving nature, nurturing everything around her.
Why can't our lives be as simple and as happy as a dogs'.
Why do we let little things affect us so greatly.
We should just live our short lives making everything we possibly can out of them instead of just trying to hit all the drama.

Basketball is finally over...
This season was definitely not my favorite.
It was very sad letting the seniors travel off in their own direction though.
It was a very emotional time for our team.
I am dreading the time to say good bye to all of my friends living here.
And dreading my very last basketball game. Just hoping it will be a good one where I play well and leave it all in the court. Saying good bye is always a hard time but we need to just think that was the beginning of our lives and college will be just a new start to show everyone who you really are.

As I lie in my bed not asking to be anywhere else... Under the warm covers that bury my face. Your face comes into my mind. I try and get it to leave. Down to the in existence away from here. Anywhere but with me. I briefly think of a different topic but you are still wandering in the back of my mind. You will not escape. I ask you to leave but you will park down and hold your ground. I doze off with your smile locked deep within my soul. Dreaming of the most beautiful times. The times where we were together laughing and dreaming the day away together. We gaze into each others eyes... The loud buzzer sounds and awakes me from my peaceful doze. I putz around knowing that now is when reality sets in. I will face you and pretend that in the very pit of my soul you are not there. I will pretend that the little things you say to me don't affect me even the slightest. I will pretend that I want to be there with you in those long awkward hallways. When deep down the only place I want to be is back under those warm covers... Putting aside all of my worries of the day and thinking about one and only one thing.

the four walls surrounding me slowly closing in
As I'm sitting in my lifeless room
lying in my big comfy bed where I've been all weekend
A war going on on my stomach
A tsunami in my head
Two eyes wishing and wanting to get up and do something
But one body too exhausted to move

The cries she lets out every night when his big hand, the one that she trusts comes down and hits her with great force. She hates it she hates it all. She is scared and can't even go to her closest friends. If she would tell them, their instict would be to tell her to leave him. The truth is she can't because she loves him. The bottom of her heart screams out his name and waits to see him everyday. She stares into his eyes and sometimes forgets what he really does to her. The harm he causes. When she stares into his eyes and looks at his innocent smile she sees a whole different side. The side of him that sings her to sleep or makes her dinner. The side she loves. How did it get to the point where she can't even leave him even after he does this to her. Love = hate, beauty, and tears. All three can happen but when does it get to the point you should escape from love. Probably when you can't even communicate to your closest friends about what is on your mind or what is going on. Love hurts sometimes so bad you need to get out of it for a while.

I'm lost in the middle of the ocean. You say it's best for me to be out here alone. But the truth is I'm drowning. I need your aid someone to send out their life boat and come out and save me. As every day passes without you, I'm getting pulled deeper and deeper into the insanity. Your falsification dragging me to the bottom. Begging and pleading for help but no one can hear me.
Even if the current pulls me all the way and I hit rock bottom I will sit tight and wait for you. Just for you. The crashing waves hitting the shore. As I'm waiting for the waves to take me with them. Trying to get up to the warm shore where I can be tickled pink with your presence. Where my smile can shine as bright as the rays of that golden sun, just like they used to.

One boy lost in the crowd. Swerving in and out of every corner. Into various girl's hearts. not realizing the difference he is making on their lives. As he gives her that smile it makes her day and then she figures out it was all a mistake. He was perplexed with various other lives and friends and relationships. The girls that give him a chance not realizing the ride they are in for. Up and down in that same crowd he sends those girls. The ones that line up for him and he doesn't even realize. The tears and troubles that were wasted. The smiles and joys that were for nothing. All of the girls in that same crowd taking a look at reality and begin to think it is not all his fault. The girls knew the ride they were in for and would ride it again anytime they could get the chance. But why... ? Why may I ask. Because we are girls... we say we hate something when we absolutely love it. We say we wish he wasn't there but we would not know what to do without him. We run into various boys hearts not even for a reason sometimes, just because we want someone there. We are complicated.

10 smiles that were brought upon that little girl's face
9 nights where she stayed up thinking about him
8 memories that will be remembered for a very long time
7 fights that blew her away but yet she couldn't leave him
6 times where she could have taken the chance... but didn't.
5 people that didn't know this even happened
4 friends that were there through it all
3 words that could have made it work, or could have thrown it all away.
2 people confused and separated
1 boy who is out there waiting to come sweep that girl off her feet.
0 regrets it will all turn out beautiful in the end.

Everytime I look at you I can't help but sneak a small smile... you are way more complicated then you show the world. Way more unique then everyone gives you credit for. If you could just be yourself and show everyone who you really are then you wouldn't have the title everyone has given you at the big school we walk through everyday. Every time I bring up your name I get the same reaction. The why? or the Don't get hurt. You are more than just skin & bones and a soul full of hate. If people could get to know you more they could really uncover all of the titles and see underneath it all. All of the love you spread and the smiles you can send my way.

An intricate person I can't seem to get off my mind
As I look at you I see various things
It starts with your eyes I look in them and to me it is a mystery
Not knowing when or what you are thinking about
Hoping that you think of me
The mood of happy and the mood of angry throw me off
Little tings push me away
But somehow I find myself right back to seeing your name pop up on my phone
Somehow you are still the only guy I want to see
As I look at you and think
Why am I afraid to admit that I like you?
Is it me caring what others think, or scared to get hurt.
Or is it deep down I like the challenge and like seeing you everyday.
Your face if I would look in deeper would probably tell me you are not that bad.
And that you mean well... So why can't I just give you a chance.

I stare up at your hopeful face, waiting for that wink of hope to become fulfilment.
All of the struggles and tears I go through with you just hoping as much as you that one day that wish will come true. Knowing you deserve someone as wonderful as you and wishing that one guy could do it for you. The pain he puts you through and then the smile he can bring to your face. It tells me there is always going to be something there. There is always going to be a piece of him in your heart. As he pools in and out of your mind and through your life you will always be wondering if he is thinking about you in return. You tell me you are over him but I always know there will be a piece of him with you. Just like a piece of you will forever be in his heart to stay. Lock it up and throw the key away.

Realize...

Knowing everything was awful as I went along...
All it took was one comment,
one comment to let it hit me
this is all is for nothing
I am good enough. You told me so yourself.
I can be up there with the best and I prove it often.
You tell me all this... I'm beginning to realize what you tell me is crap.
All of it is a big lie.
You are great you do all of this right, you are handling this situation great.
But what you don't know is that I handle it alone... and put on a smile when I'm around you.
It is terrible. You are hurting a vast amount of people.
All of your stupid decisions are hurting more then just me.
You are helping a couple of people. That is it..
But have you realized there are more of us out there that you will have to deal with way longer then the three you daily try to impress.
You need to take a moment and think about what you are doing.
Is this supposed to be fun? Because it's not... It is no longer fun. It is just drama and I'm sick of it all. I have just realized that this is all a big game to you.. and I don't want to be caught up in it. So I am slowly pulling myself out each and everyday. Pretty soon I will be done with it all. Will you care? Who knows... honestly I could care less at this point.